I'll See You First

I asked his permission to share his essay as I believe it truly is the heart behind Cancer Can’t and why his father and I started this non-profit (Becky Van Keulen, Co-Founder and President of Cancer Can’t).

This is his story...

Why is Mommy Crying? What is cancer? “God, why us,” I hear mommy say through her door. Daddy just came back from the doctor, and he and mommy are very sad. “I think daddy has a fever,” I say to my brother Jude. 

One month later, daddy’s hair is starting to fall out. I  haven’t been going to kindergarten recently. I love it! Life seems to be going perfectly, yet I still don’t know what is going on with daddy. My grandma is constantly buying us gifts and toys. My favorite thing is when I get Ninja Turtle costumes and action figures. However, everyone who comes to our house leaves crying. My grandpa has been taking us out on his motorcycles a ton! But when we return home, the mood is so sad. I’m starting to think that daddy is really sick.

I think that daddy is feeling a lot better than he did last week. He keeps buying me and Just toys, Legos and Ninja Turtle stuff. We also play our favorite game, hide-and-go-seek. When it’s my turn to look for people, mommy likes to jump out of the closet and scare me like she’s a monster. Every morning daddy lets me play Xbox Kinnect with him. I always win and daddy throws me in the aire like a bird, and he tells me I’m the champion. Me and daddy love to golf together and he sets goals for me, “If you can hit the ball fifty yards, I will buy you a new Lego set.” Wham! I hit it just short of fifty yards, but daddy says  he will count it. I jump up into his arms and he throws me high up into the air again. When we get home, we finish eating dinner, and I go to bed. “I’ll see ou first,” daddy announces.

“No, I’ll see you first!” 

Today I woke up in my favorite Ninja Turtle pajamas. Daddy went to the hospital with Mommy last night ,so my grandpa, who we call papa, takes us to see daddy. When we arrive at the hospital, mommy tells us to be careful with daddy, but we don’t listen. We soar through the air into daddy’s lap, where we proceed to have a huge tickle fight. Mommy joins in on the fun and attacks me and Jude. After our tickle fight, we stand on the pole on wheels that is full of medicine. Daddy calls it his skateboard. We rode the skateboard around the halls of the hospital. Around the corner, two of daddy’s nurses have syringes full of water… Splash! They spray us with them. “We need to get those nurses back,” daddy says as he pulls out two syringes from his pocket. Daddy pushes us on his skateboard until we find the nurses by the coffee shop. Splash! We got them! We all giggle until the hospital starts to close. Mommy tells Papa to take us home. Me and Jude kissed daddy goodbye and then we were off. But before we even made it out of the room, “I’ll see you first Jax.” “No, I’ll see you first” I say with tears in my eyes. I miss him already.

One year later, mommy tells me that daddy is going to die. I still don’t fully know what that means. “We are going to have your birthday early, so that you can be with daddy for your birthday,” she told me. I got to turn six early I thought, score! Mommy tries to explain what death is. I can’t wrap my head around it. Mommy also tells me that I need to go to Ephrata with Papa and Grammy. “I don’t want to leave daddy!” I say firmly. “I know, but I need you to be strong,” mommy says.

Papa just arrived to take us to his house. I take my stuff from my room and as I pass the couch that daddy is laying on, I hear him faintly say, “Jax, come here.” He digs his fingers between my ribs and says “You are the man of the house now. Take care of your mom for me. I love you so, so much. Always know that even if I’m not on earth, be confident that I am in heaven looking over you.”

“I love you too,” I say before I give him a long hug. As I walk away, I hear him say, “I’ll see you first.”

Those are the last words I ever heard from my dad. Since then I have been bullied, simply because my dad is no longer alive. But when something like this happens to someone else, I’m always there for them as I know how it feels. As much as it sucks to have a family, friend or just anybody die, God always has a bigger plan. It’s all about how you respond. You have two options to respond. You can do nothing and allow others to suffer just like how you did, or you can help others not go through the same suffering you went through. I will help others who are suffering and show them empathy just like my dad would have done. 

About the Author:

Jax Van Keulen is a 15-year-old student at Peperzak Middle School in Spokane, Washington. Thoughtful, kind, and wise beyond his years, Jax has turned personal loss into purpose. At just five years old, Jax lost his father to cancer—a life-changing moment that has shaped his compassion and drive to make a difference.

In honor of his father's legacy, Jax has set a personal goal to help others, just as his dad did. As part of that commitment, he recently wrote a heartfelt essay reflecting on his experience and his hope for families facing similar challenges. Jax generously offered to share this essay with Cancer Can’t, allowing it to be featured as a blog post to inspire and comfort others.

Jax’s courage, empathy, and dedication to helping those affected by cancer make him an extraordinary young person and a powerful voice for hope in our community.